fishesoutofwater | TEST DIVE #2

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test dive

TEST DIVE #2

PREMISE & NAVIGATION ✦ RULES ✦ MOD CONTACT
TAKEN ✦ RESERVES ✦ APPLICATIONS ✦ HIATUS & DROPS
FAQ ✦ BASE ✦ BIOMES ✦ URSULA ✦ URSULA CONTACT

TEST DIVE MEME

For information about the animals and locations, be sure to check out the BIOME and BASE pages!

A: There’s a Storm on the Horizon
A brainstorm. On advice about the ingenuity of multi person parties, and from admitted lack of understanding of many needs of organics, URSULA has selected you and a partner (or partners) to go to one of the observatories with food, beds, and recording devices to have a jam session for ideas about missions.

You are not to leave the room until you have some good ones. So get cracking! Start suggesting to one another what the base needs to do.

Or get horribly, horribly sidetracked and possibly a little crazy at being locked up together with the ocean staring at you. Judging.

B: The Abysmal Sea
You’re stranded.

One of the planet’s troublesome signal-interfering pulses has just made your communication devices 100% nonfunctional. No matter how you try to call URSULA for help, she isn’t able to respond. The database strapped to your wrist is just a useless chunk of metal now, leaving you without a useful library of knowledge to survive off. If you were driving any underwater vehicle prior to this point, it’s broken down. And unless you’re a mechanic, it’ll be pretty hard to get it jumpstarted again.

Don’t fret! The communication systems always come online eventually, so if you stay put, it’ll boot back up and give you directions straight back to base so you can finally get home. But can you really afford to stay put? The sunlight’s slowly streaming out of the sky, leaving the waters darker and darker with each passing second. Soon, you won’t be able to see five feet in front of you, and the only warning you’ll get of any approaching threat is through sound, if they even make any.

You have a few choices: take a daring risk and try swimming back to base, but on the off-chance you don’t remember the directions correctly from before you were cut off, you’re going to get even more lost, in the darkness of the night no less. Or, you could huddle in, with any friends if they were unfortunate enough to be with you, and start focusing on getting warm. Because spending the night out here in the vast oceans with the entire world against you is becoming a very, very real possibility.

C: It’s dangerous to go alone. Take them!
URSULA’s technology is breathtaking. With enough materials, she could make practically anything: weapons, vehicles, all those human comforts and entertainments she forgot to build... or perhaps she could expand the base to give everyone even more leg room. But there’s a catch: you need to get those materials to her in the first place, and scavenging can be a monumental task.

The planet Iniidae has a plethora of materials to provide, but you’ve got to go find them first. Some are easy enough to get, by plucking off the ground or breaking a rock. But some are a bit more challenging, such as Crash Powder, seeing that the Crash defending it will literally explode in your face if you get too close. And then there’s materials such as Blood Oil, only harvestable within the Blood Kelp Caves several hundred meters underwater in the pitch-black darkness… remember, you have to gather resources with your two bare hands. No such thing as driving around and conveniently collecting them within the somewhat-relative safety of an armored vehicle.

Since it’s so dangerous to go alone, URSULA will encourage you all to leave the base in pairs or groups if you’re going to try collecting some of the more precarious materials to harvest. She has heard that most lifeforms find being reconstituted from nanites traumatic, so try not to die in front of each other!

D: Almost, but not quite, Entirely Unlike Tea
The droids, URSULA promises, will do their best to make anything you want. Go on! Ask them anything! She’s excited. This seems like a great way to test out their capacities.

Of course, you need to be very careful what you wish for. Maybe you ask for Hamlet by William Shakespeare, and they do their best but only know so much, giving you a book with some… creative changes. Maybe you ask for a puzzle box, but you weren’t specific enough and things went awry.

Maybe you made the mistake of asking for tea..

No matter what, you were given something that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike what you asked for. Now what do you do with it?

E: CREATURE FEATURES (possible body horror)
As more data is collected on the creatures of the deep, DNA can also be gathered to allow URSULA to research how to integrate it into her crew members in useful and hopefully unintrusive ways, unless of course permission is given first for more obvious or exhausting additions.

Well, that's the idea, anyway.

Unfortunately, something malfunctioned while URSULA was researching. Her incomplete serum was injected into you through your devices while you slept (or maybe you were knocked unconscious by the sudden change to your body). Now maybe you have the temperament of a Stalker or the thirst of a Bleeder or Gasopod pods on your back that trigger when you're startled. How this genetic malfunction works and what it is can be up to you but while URSULA assures you it's only temporary, you're stuck like this for now.

Have fun?

F: The Caverns of Dream
The ocean calls you. Of course, it's much easier to dismiss it as nightmares. You'll probably think that's all it is after you have them. Flashes of screaming sea creatures writhing in agony, pleading for help, but these creatures can't ask for help, can they? Something huge, beyond the scope of imagination, moves in the ocean of your dreams and calls out to you to go deeper into the darkness. It pleads and begs but not with a voice you can hear or words you can understand.

You wake up in a sweat with the unrelenting desire to take a swim, even though it's late and everyone is asleep. Or maybe someone else just had the same nightmare as you? Are you willing to take a swim and try to understand the dream?

BASED ON CODE BY TESSISAMESS AND SUPERSUITS

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[They just have to leap over step one, first. And then it's apples all the way to the victory juice.]

We could probably get sugar out of some of the plants here.

[Practically speaking, as a long time ocean-forager. On which subject:]

Assume that I've never had anything that isn't sea life or capable of surviving the apocalypse by four centuries. [beat] Plus Jane's baking. Sea life, non-perishables, and Jane's baked goods.

Maybe THAT'S why no apple juice. Ok, I've forgiven future alt me.

[ AJ probably cannot survive that long. ]

But whenever we finally scrounge together enough stuff for like. Tacos? I will make you tacos. [ Not like he's the best cook in the world, but he's taught himself Enough to not starve to death if any of the better meteor chefs ever decided to cut him off. ] Also next time we make a new universe let's maybe dial it back a few notches on the ocean planets? The Mayor was hopin' for something way more green. I hope we made at least one planet that's nothing but green. We can make him Mayor of the whole damn thing. Canplanet.

Glad to hear he's in the clear.

[Deadpan reply. Emotionally ambiguous: just the way Dirk likes it.

Although he isn't that good at being emotionally ambiguous because let's be honest, he might not crack a smile, but the slight lean forward doesn't exactly hide how interested he is in getting bro tacos. Bracos. Tacbros.]

I would love that.

[So aloof. So ironic. Really.]

I have to agree with the Mayor. I was looking forward to a planet that wasn't dead or blue. [beat] You're not going to upgrade his title? [To something less city-based and a bit more planetary? No?]

[ Luckily Dave won't call him on any slips since...that has to be in the Strider bro code somewhere, right? Or Dave is just going to assume it is because they're just. So Cool. That slips have to be ignored.

Also Dirk didn't call him on literally hugging him to death on a rooftop, so. ]

The dude has issues with like, royalty of all flavors. No offense.

[ He guesses President might be okay??? Dave frowns, considering. ]

Also, he's super into the whole Mayor thing, so I figure even if we give him a whole planet-town, he'd like to keep the title. Maybe we can get him a new sash, though.

Do you think he'll have a problem with my class?

[He wants to be the Mayor's friend. The Mayor seems amazing. He doesn't want his pantaloon-endowing class to get between him and Mayor friendship.]

I guess if this is our brand new universe, there's no rule that says a Mayor can't be our word for a can-planet ruler.

[Which. Why cans? But one thing at a time, here.]

No, you'll be fine, dude. The Mayor and I are like this [ Twists his fingers together, Dave honestly might adore the Mayor a little too much if we're being honest here I mean Dave chill out a bit ] so you have the best fucking in you could possibly have. I'll put in a good word for you. Also, I think he minds Kings more than any other type of royalty, so...at least you aren't the King of Heart. Which would make you sound like you were super into cards, wow. Also a little like a carebear?

[Dave really does love the Mayor a lot. jfc, Dave.

But that just makes Dirk want to meet him more tbh]

'A little'? I am exactly like a Care Bear. I am Tenderheart's humansona, here to wreck the shit of all who stand against cheer and good will. I can't believe you're so uncultured that you never noticed, even after I unleashed my Care Bear Stare at your side. If you can't accept that there is a fuzzy interior designed to sell greeting cards behind this human facade, I don't know if I can have anything to do with you.

[ yeah...yeah...dave might have an obsession with the mayor that rivals his love for rap and aj DAVE IS JUST. SO...COOL...except he's a lame nerd at heart and also on his sleeve

he snorts. ]

Don't they glow when they do the Care Bear Stare? I will accept no weak substitutes to special cartoon attacks, maybe you're the Strider who needs to step up his anime game here. Cartoon game? Whatever, Care Bears is basically an anime right?

[ honestly he should have expected that Dirk watched Care Bears...they're basically puppets right...but his childhood memories mostly involve seasame street and the muppets. they still had the posters even when he was thirteen. ]

[Look. Look. He was entirely alone with all of human recorded history on hand and a strong obsession with the era that produced his Bro. Of course he watched Care Bears.]

You're joking. My glow is phenomenal. You can get a tan in the warm radiation of light marking an inefficient use of power that I produce. My pink luminescence brings angler fish to jealous tears that flow over their unsettlingly large eyes. Do not doubt my glow, Dave.

[ at least dave has finally found the one person in the universe who will get every pop culture reference he throws down without missing a beat. good job, dirk. ]

Whoa, hold up, do you actually tan? Why the fuck did I get freckle-and-sunburn genes and tossed into goddamn Texas if there were legitimate tanning genes somewhere in this family tree, I call bullshit and demand a recount or somethin'. Rose didn't need them and if she got them I'm leading a revolution. There will be banners. Possibly bedazzled with comic sans, to make my point really stick.

[ no but seriously unfair??????????????? ]

[Not focusing on the right part:] You know, I've always really respected your use of comic sans. It felt like such an unpleasantly eloquent way to express your own relation to the text even as it constructed an equally but inversely pained relation between the text and the reader.

[beat]

I don't actually tan well.

[ that awkward moment when your alt bro reads a deep and meaningful thing into 13-year-old you's use of comic sans when you're pretty sure you did it for the ironies by which you mean annoying people online... ]

I am all kinds of unpleasantly eloquent. [ he's not. he's really, really not. eloquence is rose's domain while dave just kind of stumbles around blindly with words, eventually meandering to a point and then occasionally changing his mind halfway to the point and going somewhere else entirely. ] What font really sticks things in people's minds as well as comic sans? Except, like, wingdings.

[ dave...do you just like any font that annoys people yes ]

But unfortunately the general populace of the world - such as it is, was, and will be - doesn't see much point in the skill of reading the wingdings. Their loss, honestly.

Edited 2016-04-23 04:19 (UTC)

[THAT IS NOT WHAT IRONY MEANS, DAVE.

Give Dirk a break. He watched those movies so many times. And every time, he went deeper down the rabbit hole.]

[He clearly has an opinion on these fonts, because:] Wingdings would be going too far past that perfect zone of carelessness. Comics sans was exactly the right line between legible and completely fucking obnoxious to work alongside the auditory distortions. Particularly as compared to something like Papyrus, which is both legible and obnoxious but isn't capable of being both meaningless and loaded with signification. Sprezzatura is impossible in Papyrus.

[Stop him. Stop him? He just thinks about everything so much.]

[ tell it to thirteen year old dave, dirk!!! although he was a lot more serious about irony back then and he probably would have defended his artistic choices forever. which...isn't to say he won't do it now simply for the hell of it and because of fucking course he will.

he still isn't aware that dirk has a tattoo of his shitty webcomic character. truly, dave has far too much power for one dude. his eyes kind of widen behind his shades here because...that is a lot of thought to put into one of his offhand remarks which dave himself put zero thought into, but it makes a kind of sense. bro had always been incredibly serious about irony and puppets and...everything, and dave had tried to emulate that but had mostly ended up being a nerd who rapped at his friends with serious puppet trauma.

...unfortunately he is terrible at stopping people from rambling about literally anything, and just rolls with it. this is like a conversation with rose: just keep going down the fucking rabbit hole until one of them calls it quits, usually while bickering about dumb shit. ]

I dunno, I'm sure I could manage it. [ don't let him draw a shitty comic in papyrus print don't let him draw a shitty comic in papyrus print don't let him draw a shitty comic in papyrus print ] Got anything to write with?

[ goddamnit dave ]

And Wingdings would've been a good option for like, one strip, just because I know Lalonde would have felt the need to translate it. S'long as I picked the right punch line, I could have made her laugh.

[ And also possibly hit herself in the face with a pillow but also laugh. ]

[Dirk reaches over to the left of his workpile. He picks up a scrap of paper (schematics on the main side; he'll flip that over) and a pencil. He gives both to Dave.

Show him, O Master of Ironies. Teach him your ways. Reveal to him the brilliance in a terrible use of Papyrus font.

(It's too much power. Too much power. And even though Dirk knows that Dave isn't exactly the same man as his own Bro, Dirk truly believes that the genius is a constant across timelines.

And so the tattoo. Which one day, Dave will have to learn about.)]

[ dave promptly puts aside his fro-yo to focus on his NEXT MASTERPIECE. although okay drawing by hand is a totally different medium than ms paint and mouse he will do his best here. dave strider's best is...uh. maybe this? or a legitimately hilarious (assuming first and foremost that you find sbahj hilarious and also find dave hilarious) TAKOS comic that i cannot possibly be expected to aspire to but idk i felt a 1:30am tag deserved at least a half hearted attempt to not handwave dave's shit

this will actually take him like five minutes so enjoy your actual peace and quiet for the time being before dave dramatically presents his comic. ]

A'ight, that's the first update in like, at least a year, check it.

[ honestly someone stop this child

dirk please don't take this super seriously he literally just drew a comic about takos and a hors radish slash hors shit prank there are some things wherein the meaning is "honestly dave strider is a huge fucking nerd" ]

[You're a brave soul.

Dirk takes the comic in his hands. It's almost too much to look upon it. Dave Strider's magnificent, hand-drawn work of genius, tossed off on a whim and a challenge. Is this how Polidori felt as Bryon abandoned a scrap of brilliance? No, because Polidori was a goddamned tool.

Dirk gazes upon this masterwork.

And literally can't stop laughing, holy shit. It is terrible how much he finds this hilarious.

Give him a second. Please. He can't deal.]

[ oh my fucking god dirk you utter nerd enjoy your comic i guess it isn't like dave needs it for anything...if nothing else he's probably Winning at the dirk laugh track counter. ]

Told ya so, bro. Papyrus can be just as careless if you're a master, right? [ Rose probably would have argued about Sprezzatura in depth and intellectually. Dave threw down a dumbass comic instead, half smiling. He looks a hell of a lot like Dirk, but there's a lot in him that's casual, ridiculous Roxy Lalonde.

He's just gonna pick up the remnants of his fro-yo and finish it off while Dirk gets a grip. ]

[He is the undisputed champion of the laugh track counter. Don't try to beat Dave in making Dirk laugh. He's simply the best there is.

When Dirk pulls himself together, which is far more difficult than it should be, he is still pretty much smiling. Hard to shake that off. The portion of the brain that definitely went to Rose wants to counter back: it was mixed fonts, so it has a different effect than a blanket font use, and also he only gained one level of irony from Papyrus, but he lost at least two from the removal of Comic Sans.

He doesn't say any of that. Dave will be spared the increasingly complex analysis of his font use. Instead, Dirk looks down at the comic again, and then at Dave.] Can I keep this?

[this fucking nerd.]

Yeah, of course. It's on the back of your tech stuff anyway, isn't it?

[ Which he. Cannot read any of that robot diagram stuff - that is, he can read the words, but robotics is not really Dave's thing. Maybe if he'd grown up post-apocalypse he'd be more useful there.

The lack of a font analysis doesn't bug Dave any more than an analysis would have; he regularly puts up with Rose analyzing things about him on a daily basis, and sometimes requests she do so (if only because it's fun to figure out how many things in his dreams = dicks according to Freud or whoever). He's already counted it a win for the laughter, though. ]

Congrats, you got the first genuine SBAHJ episode in our brand-new universe all to yourself, that shit'll be a goldmine someday.

[ you know on the off chance money ever matters again and also on the off chance anyone wants to buy dave's stuff ever again ]

[He didn't really need the diagram anymore, it was more for brainstorming than anything. Now, well. Dirk enjoys irony as much as the next person, or rather, he enjoys it far more, given that his sense of humour very likely has a lot to do with growing up on SBAHJ films.

He folds the comic up and tucks it away in a pocket.] My future as a cancoin trillionaire can only be bought at the cost of a dear family inheritance. It breaks my god-tiered heart to acknowledge the inevitable ruthless demands of becoming completely ridiculously fucking rich. I guess even the Mayor can't protect us from the lure of more wealth than we could ever use.

[He would rather cut off his head than ever sell this comic.

Not that that's saying much.]

[ dirk please for the love of god sell the comic if it comes to a choice between that or cutting off your head ]

At least you don't have to worry about prices and values if all you have to your name are a few comics and robots, dude. The Mayor will provide us with can shelters and truly awesome leadership. Also? Hugs and high fives. Like holy fuck he gives the best of both. I love the Mayor. I'm gonna run away with him and live in a real life Cantown, just him and me, and we're gonna spend all day restructuring the squirrel zone maybe, that shit needs an overhaul and I can only imagine how much work it's gonna be irl. If we can even get squirrels? Whatever, point is you don't need money for happiness, you only need the Mayor.

[ dave chill the fuck out on your mayor boner...he just completely derailed into a little mayor ramble there and it's not even mostly joking he'd run away with the mayor in a heartbeat ]

[....Dave.... Dave............

Dirk doesn't even know what to do with this. His ecto-sonbro has clearly chosen the life as a runaway comrade (friend? lover? fuck if he knows and he doesn't care beyond the fact that it makes Dave happy) of a political figure.

Dirk must support him. He will be the good brother.]

Your mom might force you to let her move in with you. She's not going to let you abscond after all these years waiting for this opportunity.

[Support him by making ironic comments.]

You'll need a zone for cats.

[ If only the Mayor weren't into chess ladies Dave might have a shot! But no his love is...pl...atonic? Dude does spend way too much time talking about the Mayor and dramatically hugging him over lava to be entirely sane about it, but ok Dave.

He shrugs. ]

'Kay, you and mom can come and live in Cantown, too. We'll deputize Mom as cat zone chairwoman, and you can have, like. The horse zone? May as well have one of those, too. We can give Rose a zone for eldritch horror terrors or somethin' as long as she promises to keep any and all tentacle monsters far away from the sweet innocent chessman.

[ and also potentially dave ]

Kinda wanna put Karkat in charge of crabs to see if he'd flip his shit. Who am I kidding, he flips his shit about anything. And I'll be in charge of digging up dead shit, or like, ironic photography. Painting cans? Whatevs. These jobs already sound better than permanent sleepover gods.

[Dave really is enthusiastic about all of this. Dirk has noticed that Dave tends to ramble, but he is really gunning for this. It's impressive.]

I'd rather not be responsible for horses. Just give me a can with a nice view and a safe distance from what is liable to become dangerous Lalonde breeding projects.

[He doesn't know if Rose is like Roxy with this. But he does remember Roxy's many, many cats.]

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